


Existential Attraction

by TrantHeidelstam



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, POV Second Person, Pining, Sad and Horny, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrantHeidelstam/pseuds/TrantHeidelstam
Summary: Three detectives try to solve the mysteries of attraction.This fic follows Harry, Kim, and Jean as they learn to overcome their fatal flaws so they can eventually be in one hot love triad. There will be angst, sad & horny smut, and some actual detective work along the way. Gratuitous references to Greek mythology also somehow end up being plot relevant.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Judith Minot, Harry Du Bois/Jean Vicquemare, Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi, Kim Kitsuragi/Jean Vicquemare
Comments: 25
Kudos: 59





	1. THE CASE OF THE MISSING SEXUAL ORIENTATION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter-specific tags: homophobic slur, mild sexual references, mild gore references.
> 
> Edit: This is abandoned. There are things I had planned for this I will probably work into other fics, but this is dead. Deadady-dead-dead-dead, daba-doop-doop-dead. My whims are too fickle for a multi-chapter fic which isn't pre-written.

“Kim, do you think I seem like someone who could be part of the homosexual underground?”

REACTION SPEED [Challenging: Success] – From the corner of your eye you see Kim’s body momentarily tense, before he returns to his default professional posture.

KIM: “I think you seem like someone who should be focusing on finding our murder suspect.”

You are Harry Du Bois, a detective who is currently searching the Martinaise peninsula for the primary suspect in THE HANGED MAN murder investigation along with your partner Kim Kitsuragi. At least that's what you’re officially doing, but you’re slightly preoccupied with a more personal matter: obsessing about your sexuality. You’ve even given the matter an official investigation title – THE CASE OF THE MISSING SEXUAL ORIENTATION – since it’s consuming so much of your cognitive load.

RHETORIC – Convince Kim that you can investigate the murder and your sexuality at the same time.

“You’re not going make us investigate the coast in silence, are you Kim? A little small talk won’t stop us from finding any clues.”

There's no immediate response. Just when you’re convinced that Kim's seriously going to make you search the coast in silence, he replies with a sigh.

KIM: “I suppose you’re not one for conventionality, so it wouldn’t come as a surprise. And…”

“And?”

SUGGESTION [Easy: Success] – It’s not that Kim doesn’t want to say the next part, he’s just considering how to phrase it politely.

KIM: “And while you have a penchant for getting distracted, you did seem particularly distracted by the smoking man.”

“He smelled good!”

KIM: “Of course he did.”

Kim’s barely suppressing a chuckle, his guard of professionalism lowered. Unexpectedly, Kim seems to be at ease discussing sexuality with you, so you dare to get a bit more personal with your questions.

“So how did you figure it out Kim?”

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] – Kim stops frozen as the white blanket you stand upon, then swiftly turns to inspect a particular area of the snow.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Failure] – You suppose Kim’s picked up the Jamrock shuffle.

KIM: “How did I figure what out, lieutenant?”

“How did you figure out you’re attracted to whoever you’re attracted to?”

KIM: “That’s not something everyone has to figure out; people are usually only confused when their orientation conflicts with social norms. You can barely remember your own name let alone social norms, so I don’t think conventional advice is going to be much use to you anyway.”

DRAMA [Easy: Success] – He avoided the question, sire!

EMPATHY [Challenging: Failure] – Maybe it’s because he's trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism?

“I see. So…”

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] – Just ask the question already.

“Are you a member of the homosexual underground Kim?”

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] – Kim's expression stays frozen, except for a slight crease in his brow: he predicted this was coming, however much he had been hoping you wouldn’t ask.

KIM: “Yes.”

“Okay. Cool.”

You’re not going to make a big deal out of it because you’re just a super accepting guy like that (and maybe also because you’re too preoccupied with your own sexual orientation). As you ponder - not obsess, _ponder_ \- Kim's sexuality, you realise it throws a misshapen puzzle piece into the jigsaw of your investigation.

“Kim, do I have to be cool to be a member of the homosexual underground?”

KIM: “... _What_?”

“So far the only homosexuals I know are you and The Nice-Smelling Smoker, and both of you are unfathomably cool. Am I even cool enough to be part of the homosexual underground? I've been thinking I'm more of a sorry-cop than a superstar-cop, so...”

VOLITION [Easy: Success] – You’re going to make yourself more of a sorry-cop if you continue this pity party about how you're not cool enough to be homosexual.

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Success] – Kim turns away from you, but not before you steal a glimpse of a forming grin.

EMPATHY [Godly: Failure] – You presume that Kim's amused by your continued interest in the smoking man.

KIM: “No, you don’t have to be cool to be homosexual. Now let’s go interview some of the villagers, lieutenant.”

~

“Did I ever mention anything about my relationships when I was drinking with you?”

You’re interviewing the trio of drunks in the fishing village. It’s obvious they don’t have any information pertinent to the murder investigation, so what harm is there in switching the topic over to your side investigation?

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL: “Oh yeah Tequila Sunset, you told us about how you messed up all your relationships. The love of your life left you, which triggered a spiral of you pushing everyone else away too. Seemed to be one of the main reasons why you were drinking.”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Impossible: Failure] – Okay, maybe there is some harm in it. You don’t want to face the infinite ways you ruined your past relationships yet. Or ever.

“Right, but did I perhaps tell you anything interesting about who I had been in a romantic relationship with?”

Taking a swig from his cheap bottle of booze, Idiot Doom Spiral pauses to consider.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Don't you want a taste of the golden ambrosia too? Just ask, Idiot Doom Spiral's your friend, he might be willing to share...

VOLITION [Legendary: Success] - As tempting as that may be, you're more captivated by the discussion of men and the possibility of having intimate relationships with them right now.

LOGIC [Medium: Failure] - This sexual orientation thing truly is a mystery.

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL: “Can’t think of anything, sorry.”

ROSEMARY: “Oh, you told us about how you got with another RCM officer! That was a juicy story.”

KIM: “A story which we aren’t going to tell.”

Kim’s hasty interruption comes much to your relief; it’d be depressing if the only thing you remembered about one of your colleagues was how you fucked them over. So when Kim drags you away from the drunks to continue the actual investigation you gladly comply.

~

“Joyce, I have another question concerning reality.”

JOYCE: “Go ahead, officer.”

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] – Shame? You can barely remember what that is.

“What is sexuality?”

JOYCE: “That’s a rather complicated topic, too complicated to explain in its entirety right now. Did you have a more specific question?”

“What can you tell me about…”

VOLITION [Formidable: Failure] – No, wait, you definitely remember what shame is.

“You know… when a man likes another man…”

Your hands have involuntarily started making a Hand Gesture. Thankfully it’s nothing crude, but it’s still bad enough that Kim’s placed a gentle hand on your shoulder to encourage you to stop.

Savoir Faire [Easy: Success] – You slowly lower your hands. Somehow Joyce manages to remain unperturbed. 

JOYCE: “Hm, not a topic I can claim to be an expert in, but I suppose I can give you some information on how society views relationships between men. Unfortunately society is none too welcoming of romantic or sexual relationships between men, so people often choose to keep such relationships secret, or at least under the radar. Although some nations have begun legalising marriage between men, and it’s not impossible to find people who are accepting of such things.”

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] – It's clear from her tone that Joyce doesn't support the condemnation of homosexuality.

“How do people know if they’re homosexual?”

JOYCE: “People who are exclusively interested in the so-called opposite sex don’t tend to question their sexual orientation, officer. Simply by virtue of asking oneself the question it should become obvious that one is something other than heterosexual – that is, attracted exclusively to the ‘opposite’ sex.”

LOGIC [Challenging: Failure] – There’s something about the way she worded her answer that seems important to figuring out this mystery, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – Kim coughs beside Harry, a sign that it’s time to return to the murder investigation.

“Thank-you for your help, I think that’s enough reality questions for now.”

JOYCE: “I’m glad I could help, officer. And good luck with your investigation.”

~

With the sky bruising, you return to Whirling-in-Rags. You’ve made minimal progress on finding the suspect today - although you did help set up a nightclub, so your spirits are still reasonably high. As you approach the stairs you notice the Man In Sunglasses and Horse Faced Woman are still there.

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] – Every time you look at them you're hit with a feeling of familiarity.

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – Not only that, but you get the distinct impression they know something about your sexual orientation.

SUGGESTION [Formidable: Failure] – Asking them about your sexual orientation is a marvellous idea if they know something! Picking between them on instinct, you approach the Man In Sunglasses.

“Hey, I had another question.”

MAN IN SUNGLASSES: “Seriously, more of this shit? Fine, let’s just get this over with.”

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] – You’ve clearly done something to piss off the Man In Sunglasses. But maybe that’s a good thing, you don’t have to worry about ruining the mood.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Failure] – Exactly, nothing to worry about. He's already answered several of your absurd questions, what could be different about this one?

“Going back to our hypothetical scenario where we know each other, do you think I would be a member of the homosexual underground?”

EMPATHY [Trivial: Success] – The man’s barely contained frustrations have erupted into fury. Lava red flows across his cheeks, and you can feel an intense glare radiating from behind his sunglasses. This was not in fact a marvellous idea, or even a benign one.

MAN IN SUNGLASSES: “No, I think you would piss yourself in fear at the idea of admitting you’re a f****t.”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Legendary: Failure] – The heat of the man’s words sears away your morale.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Partial Success] – Something in your subconscious stirs, a memory crying out in pain, before it is immediately pushed back into the pale of your lost memories.

HORSE FACED WOMEN: “Jean, that’s enough!”

Your attention is brought back to reality by the Horse Faced Woman, who is tugging at the Man In Sunglasses’ sleeve.

HORSE FACED WOMEN: “Please, let’s just get out of here.”

For a few tense seconds you’re not sure what the Man In Sunglasses is going to do, and you get the feeling that he isn't sure either. Eventually he settles on bursting out of the building, the Horse Faced Woman trailing behind him.

REACTION SPEED [Challenging: Success] – From behind you Kim exhales the breath he’d been holding.

KIM: “I’m afraid that is something you might have to get used to, lieutenant. It’s not worth worrying about people like that. Just think maybe the next homophobe we encounter will be a lucky one.”

Kim’s reassurances are accompanied by a hand patting your back, soothing away any remaining tension.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Oh sweet human contact, baby! Maybe it’s worth pursuing further confrontations, as a means to get Kim to comfort you?

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] – It absolutely isn’t. Not unless you want all your memories to flood back at once, transforming you into a tidal wave of self-destruction that pushes away anyone who can still stand to be around you – that includes Kim. For the sake of your precarious mental stability, please consider employing some tact from now on.

“I think going around asking everyone about whether I might be homosexual was perhaps not entirely a great idea.”

RHETORIC: Phrasing it like that was “perhaps not entirely a great idea”.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Failure] – All you can determine from Kim’s ever-stoic expression is that he agrees you should stop asking everyone.

KIM: “It would be for the best if you stopped. But… if you have a question about sexuality you genuinely can’t figure out by yourself then I suppose it would be acceptable for you to ask me. It is my duty to make sure you don’t get _too_ distracted from our case, after all.”

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – Sexuality isn’t a topic Kim is comfortable openly discussing with many people, so it’s a sign of immense trust that he’s given you explicit permission to ask about it. You make a mental note to not screw that trust up by asking stupid questions - at least, too many.

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] – If he trusts you then he can indulge you in a hug! You encapsulate Kim in a bearish hug, which Kim awkwardly returns.

“Thank-you Kim, I really mean it.”

PERCEPTION [Legendary: Success] – A cheap chypre cologne masks the lingering smell of nicotine and petrol oil on Kim, which is a totally normal thing for you to notice.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Oh fuck yeah, that’s good stuff. Maybe you should start snorting Kim smells instead of speed.

REACTION SPEED [Legendary: Failure] – You’re too absorbed in what Kim smells like to notice anything about the way Kim shifts.

KIM: “Yes, well, just stop asking everyone you meet about whether they think you’re homosexual now. If you have any more questions save them for tomorrow, it’s about time for bed.”

AUTHORITY [Formidable: Failure] – If Kim says it’s time to go to bed then it’s time to go to bed, even if you know sleep will elude you for hours yet. That means you have to stop hugging Kim. Like now.

COMPOSURE [Challenging: Partial Success] – Reluctantly, you drop your arms to your side and shuffle away from Kim. After trekking up the stairs to your room, you turn to Kim.

“Night Kim, don’t let the cryptids bite.”

COMPOSURE [Medium: Failure] – Do not finger guns, for the sake of any remaining dignity you have do _not_ finger gu- oh for fucks sake. The guns are out and loaded.

EMPATHY [Legendary: Failure] – There is no way you look like anything other than an idiot to Kim.

KIM: “Good night, lieutenant.”

~

_You reach out, and your hands are taken into another’s. You try to look up to see who the other person is, but a blinding light radiates from them - you avert your gaze. They pull your body against theirs, your body burns against theirs, an unholy flame. You can tell the other person is female-bodied now, the curves of her body melting against yours, or maybe you’re melting against hers. She guides your hands to touch - you trace the familiar curve of her breast, then lower and lower still. Her hands coil up your body, wrap around your neck, pulling you into a chaste kiss. You close your eyes, surrendering all your senses to her. Then all too suddenly you realise you can’t breathe, when you gulp for air there’s only her breath to take. She tries to hold on, but blisters erupt where you touch, skin peels away, until she finally lets go and leaves you to burn up alone._

_There is nothing. Not black but the absence of colour, not silence but the absence of sound, not alone but the absence of her. This is how you die._

_Except you feel someone else press against your back, dragging you away from the pale. You protest that you're dirt, yet they believe they can shape dirt into man. You protest that you’re an inferno, yet it only it only excites them - their excitement is pressing against you. You try to protest again but hungry lips tear against yours, breathing new life into you, and with your new breath you cry out your hero’s name. One of his hands is furling up in hair of your chest, pulling away pain with pain, trying to claw out a prize from beneath your ugly exterior (but there’s nothing there, Harrier). His other hand wraps around your stalk, blooming again after so long, trying to hollow out its contents. This is not liberation, this is embracing your sin, and oh what glorious sin it is. But you are not just a sinner, you are the origin of sin, opening bottle after bottle without thought. All who touch you are doomed for punishment, punishment by your hands - your hands are gouging the liver from your lover’s chest._

_You’re a fucking monster, Harrier._

_~_

Sweat soaks your body, a parting farewell from your nightmare to remind you that you’re untouchable. You haul yourself over to the bathroom, your skin blossoming red when you splash it with scalding water to wash away the sweat; with it you try to wash away your doubts.

LOGIC – It’s just a nightmare, it doesn’t have to mean anything.

INLAND EMPIRE – It does mean something though, you know it does.

ENCYCLOPEDIA – The dream was referencing some sort of mythology; you could just be remembering a story you once heard.

INLAND EMPIRE – No, it means something about yourself.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – There’s no time to ponder what it means, you have a murder case to solve.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – You have two cases to solve!

RHETORIC – There’s no time limit on pondering the meaning of these nightmares, but there is on the murder investigation. You should just come back to this line of thought later. 

INLAND EMPIRE – Will you?

VOLITION – Definitely.

SUGGESTION – Probably.

DRAMA – You certainly have the intention to do so.

INLAND EMPIRE – Let’s hope you do. It’s not you who is suffering because of what you forgot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's dream references myths associated with Prometheus. Disco Elysium makes several references to Greek myths, so it feels fitting to continue that. 
> 
> Next chapter will be from Kim's perspective and will contain some actual smut.


	2. THINGS HARRY DU BOIS DOES THAT SHOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS YET I FIND WEIRDLY ATTRACTIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter tags: homophobic slur, explicit sexual content, light bondage, D/S dynamics, foot stuff.
> 
> Old readers: I changed some of Kim's skill names.

HARRY DU BOIS: “Good little post-box!”

Harry should look utterly ridiculous patting a post-box as if it were a dog. Everything Harry does should look ridiculous: The Expression he makes, the mismatched clothes he wears, the way he treats trivial events with undue dramatization… so why are you attracted to him?

You are Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi, a detective from precinct 57 who is currently investigating THE HANGED MAN case alongside Lieutenant Harrier Du Bois. At least that is what you are attempting to do, but Harry keeps leading you on stereo investigations that have little to do with the case, such as setting up a night club. You should put your foot down with him, you _know_ you have the authority to make him stop; it’s just that whenever Harry looks at you with puppy-dog enthusiasm about the latest stereo investigation he wants to pick up you don’t have the heart to refuse him.

SUPERBIA – This is pathetic.

SYMPATHY – Harry’s obviously down on his luck, letting him have a few wins is good for his self-confidence.

RAPPORT – He looks so pleased with himself when he completes his stereo investigations, is it really so bad to allow yourself the innocent pleasure of seeing that?

REASON – The stereo investigations often end up being relevant to THE HANGED MAN investigation too, so there is a case-relevant justification for permitting Lieutenant Du Bois’ the side investigations.

LOGISTICS - This weakness of yours means tonight you are returning to the Whirling-in-Rags having made minimal progress on finding the primary suspect. Harry’s colleagues are still hanging about; you introduced yourself to them this morning while waiting for Harry to come down, but you have otherwise decided to stay out precinct 41’s business. That might be about to change though…

HARRY DU BOIS: “Going back to our hypothetical scenario where we know each other, do you think I would be a member of the homosexual underground?”

LIEUTENANT VICQUEMARE: “No, I think you would piss yourself in fear at the idea of admitting you’re a f****t.”

SPEED FREAK – HE’S BULLYING HARRY, F**K HIM UP!

PATIENCE [Formidable: Success] – You keep still despite your base instincts screaming at you to prepare for a fight. Having RCM officers fight in public will only further tarnish the already hadal low reputation of the RCM, you should only intervene to de-escalate the situation.

RAPPORT – But Harry…

PROFESSIONALISM – Fighting a member of Lieutenant Du Bois’ unit could also negatively impact his working relationships.

LIEUTENANT MINOT: “Jean, that’s enough! Come on, let’s just get out of here.”

CADENCE [Challenging: Failure] – You cannot help but breathe a sigh of relief when Lieutenant Vicquemare complies.

SPEED FREAK – HE BETTER RUN!

REASON – Lieutenant Vicquemare isn’t running from you, he’s just recognised that making a scene in public will only cause problems.

SYMPATHY – Even if Harry doesn’t fully understand the social context of homophobia, that must’ve been a disconcerting experience. You should console him.

“I’m afraid that is something you might have to get used to, lieutenant. It’s not worth worrying about people like that. Just think maybe the next homophobe we encounter will be a lucky one.”

AGILITY [Trivial: Success] – You employ your ever-reliable back pats to assist in the comforting.

Harry Du Bois: “I think going around asking everyone about whether I might be homosexual was perhaps not entirely a great idea.”

WIT – It wasn’t.

SYMPATHY – Can you really blame an amnesiac for asking questions about the world they have forgotten?

LORE – He needs someone trustworthy to guide him, someone who has personal experience with homosexuality.

LOGISTICS – Is this such a good idea? It’s only going to make your crush harder to deal with - and you _are_ struggling to deal with it already.

PROFESSIONALISM – Not to mention there is absolutely no way Lieutenant Du Bois’ homosexuality stereo investigation could end up being remotely case-relevant.

SPARKPLUG – It’s not case relevant for him, but it is for you. Supporting him would help you build a positive working relationship with Lieutenant Du Bois and ensure he maintains a stable enough mental state to continue working on the investigation.

“It would be for the best if you stopped. But… if you have a question about sexuality you genuinely can’t figure out by yourself then I suppose it would be acceptable for you to ask me. It is my duty to make sure you don’t get too distracted from our case, after all.”

HARRY DU BOIS: “Thank-you Kim, I really mean it.”

AGILITY [Formidable: Failure] – There is no escaping the bear hug Harry wraps you in. You succumb to your fate and wrap your arms around him.

PATIENCE [Challenging: Success] – You manage to reposition yourself to prevent the situation getting too awkward though. There’s only so much close contact a pining man can handle.

AEROSTATIQUE – Would a tiny bit of indulgence hurt though? Harry wouldn't even notice.

TOLERANCE [Medium: Success] – You can feel Harry’s mutton chop beard skimming the surface of your neck, and you…

PATIENCE [Challenging: Failure] - …carefully tilt your head ever so slightly so you can feel more of its roughness.

LORE – The sensation is etched into your memory, ready to be recalled later.

FLOW – That’s enough scandalous behaviour now, let’s get to bed already before you’re tempted to do anything else.

“Yes, well, just stop asking everyone you meet about whether they think you’re homosexual now. If you have any more questions save them for tomorrow, it’s about time for bed.”

BINOCLARD [Challenging: Success] – From the way he shuffles away it’s obvious Lieutenant Du Bois is reluctant to end the hug. He doesn’t say anything though, complacently following you upstairs to your respective rooms.

HARRY DU BOIS: “Night Kim, don’t let the cryptids bite.”

Harry Du Bois whips out his finger guns as some strange way of saying goodnight, leaving you with yet another item to add to your list of “things Harry Du Bois does that should look ridiculous yet I find weirdly attractive”.

CADENCE [Medium: Success] – You don’t let any of your longing slip into your voice. You’re almost in your room, it’s too late to let your facade slip now.

“Good night, lieutenant.”

~

Back in your room you effortlessly slip into your methodical bed-time routine, each step performed from muscle memory alone, leaving your thoughts free to roam through the mourning fields of your mind.

SUPERBIA – Your crush on Lieutenant Du Bois is juvenile. You’ve known the man for only three days yet you’re unable to perform your duties properly because of your attraction to him.

LOGISTICS – You’ve spent the entirety of those three days with him though, which is equivalent to the average amount of time you spend socialising with friends over a season. So if you think about it you’ve practically known him for a season.

RAPPORT – Let’s not ponder how paltry your social life is…

FLOW – The point is you need to make more of an effort to get over this so that it doesn't distract you from your duties. Even once the case is over it's not like this crush can go anywhere, since you’re not even sure if Harry's interested in men.

WIT – Sure, because so many straight men spend hours considering if they’re homosexual and obsessing about how other men smell.

PROFESSIONALISM – Regardless, having a relationship with another RCM officer is completely unprofessional.

LORE – Lieutenant Du Bois has already had a relationship with an RCM officer, so he more than likely wouldn’t mind.

LOGISTICS – It could be considered routine in a way, you would be helping him form a pattern – patterns are nice, aren’t they?

SUPERBIA – Oh Dolores Dei help me, even your Intelligence skills are compromised.

PATIENCE – It’s worth considering that even if Harry is interested – not just in men and other RCM officers, but in you specifically – that doesn’t mean you should pursue anything. He’s still relearning the basic concepts of reality and clearly has issues beyond his amnesia, so he could easily be taken advantage of. It wouldn’t be fair to pressure him with your feelings until he’s-

SPEED FREAK: PLEASE SHUT THE ACTUAL FUCK UP AND HAVE SOME FUN ALREADY BEFORE YOUR DICK EXPLODES FROM BUILD-UP.

REASON – That’s not how that works.

RANK – You do need to unwind though. You’re alone, now is the time to seek your release so your attraction has less hold over you in the day.

MYTH - This is inevitable; the forces of fate will not permit this chapter to end with anything other than smut.

After finishing up your bed-time routine you lay back on your bed, your legs splitting open like a narcissus eager to bloom after long dormancy. This is your domain, in the chambers of your imagination you are free to have your way with whoever you please without consequence. Reluctantly, you allow your mind to be carried away by the chariot of your repressed attractions, and your hand sinks between your legs.

_“Strip.”_

_Before you stands Harry Du Bois, who for once is wearing his official RCM uniform – it’s almost a shame to see him stripping it off. Almost. He’s being so obedient though, only hesitating once he gets to his underwear. All it takes is a raised eyebrow and those are removed too. You approach him, cuffs in hand, leaning in close to whisper in his ear._

_“Remember the safe word: green to keep going, orange to pause, red to stop the scene completely. There’s no shame in stopping, I want you to enjoy this.”_

REASON – You are aware this is a fantasy, right? You technically don’t have to bother with safe-words as you are the one deciding how everyone feels.

RANK – If you didn’t you would be even more disgusted with yourself. Don’t create new reasons to deny yourself this.

_After receiving verbal confirmation that’s he prepared, you walk around Harry to cuff his hands behind his back._

_“Is that too tight?”_

_“No, lieutenant.”_

PROFESSIONALISM – I can’t believe you’re using a work-place term in your obscene fantasy.

PATIENCE – It took you years to earn that title, you can’t help but find having it recognised exciting.

LORE – Other terms are too wrapped up in a history of problematic conceptualisations of masculinity for you to be comfortable using them.

RANK – So let’s move on.

_Your hands roam Harry’s gloriously hairy chest as you consider what you want to do with him. Eventually your fingers settle on one of his nipples, which you gently twist._

_“Colour?”_

_“Green, lieutenant.”_

_You twist harder, provoking delightful whimpers from your partner. While you continue wringing pain from his nipples, you lean in to kiss his neck. The rough of his beard rubs against your cheeks, its coarse texture sending tingles down your spines._

TOLERANCE – I knew you’d remember the feeling of his beard later.

RANK – Seriously, stop interrupting. It’s safe to let go here, let yourself enjoy this before the sun rises and takes it from you.

_When you flick one of Harry’s nipples he cries out in pleasure._

_“Oh, Kim-,”_

_His praise transforms into a yelp as your teeth sink into Harry’s neck, his body instinctively jerking in reaction and straining against the cuffs._

_“What did you call me?”_

_You pull away to see the realisation creep into Harry’s eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulps in anticipation of the consequences for calling you by your first name._

_“I’m sorry, Lieutenant, it won’t happen again.”_

_“Indeed it won’t. I know you can be good, you want to be good for me don’t you Harry?”_

_As he nods one of your hands snakes down Harry’s body, and with a ghostly touch you caress his length. Harry tries arching into the touch, but your other hand gently pushes him back._

_“No moving, Harry. I want you to show you can be good by staying still for me, understood?”_

_“Yes, lieutenant.”_

_“Colour?”_

_“Green, lieutenant.”_

_You retrieve a bottle of lube from your pocket, squeezing a reasonable amount into your hand before getting started. You start out with teasing strokes, continually pausing to caress his inner thigh. Harry whines for more, but obediently keeps his body still. You reward him by building the pace up, your hand rubbing his cock in slow but firm strokes. Your other hand is exploring his chest again, burrowing into his hair. Then you bring your thumb over the tip, and Harry bucks his hips forwards, shuddering against your hand. A regretful look floods Harry’s face as you remove your hands from his warmth._

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just-”_

_“What did I tell you to do?”_

_“Not move, lieutenant.”_

_“What did you do?”_

_“I moved, I disobeyed you, lieutenant.”_

_You consider denying him any release as punishment, but **fuck**_ _you want to see him come undone. This just means you have to do things a little differently, you can work with this._

_“Follow me.”_

_Keeping a hand against him so he doesn’t lose his balance, you lead Harry across the room, stopping in front of a chair. You gently guide Harry to his knees, making sure he’s in a comfortable position before you take your place atop your throne. You remove your shoes and socks, placing them neatly beside the chair. Harry’s eyes follow your every movement with curiosity – he still hasn’t figured out where this is going._

_“Since you couldn’t follow my instructions I’ll be pleasuring you in a different way, a way which reminds you of your place.”_

_Once again you retrieve the lube from your pocket, spreading it over your feet. Now Harry understands what’s happening a pomegranate red flushes his cheeks, but he shows no sign of wanting to stop. The spacy look in his eyes suggests the humiliation of his position is only bringing him closer to the precipice._

_“Are you ready?”_

_“Yes, green, lieutenant.”_

_You start by running a single foot along his stiff shaft, swirling your toes around the tip. You bring your feet together around his member so that the soles and toes of your feet meet, then start stroking him in a steady rhythm. Unrestrained moans erupt from Harry, only getting louder when you wiggle your toes along his length. It doesn’t take long until Harry’s taken over the edge, coating your feet in his cum. You raise a cum-soaked foot to his lips._

_“Lick it.”_

_Below you Harry laps up his own seed, an image so erotic you know it has doomed him to return to this domain again._

It doesn’t take long for you to finish after that; a few more pumps and you spill, biting back breathy cries. With the job done you immediately get up to clean yourself, your thoughts following like the unwanted return of winter.

SUPERBIA – You are disgusting.

RANK – That is the nature of man. You cannot deny lust anymore than you can deny the changing of seasons. At least by handling it alone nobody else has to see your perversion.

RAPPORT – Would it really be so bad if you let someone else see you? It doesn’t have to be anything serious, it could just be one night.

RANK – Yes, it would. You are, in fact, disgusting.

SPEED FREAK – SINCE YOU’RE BEING DISGUSTING ANYWAY, HAVE A FUCKING CIGARETTE. THIS S**T IS TOO HEAVY, HAVE ONE TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP WITH YOURSELF.

PATIENCE – You really should quit. Even smoking one a day significantly increases your chance of-

SPEED FREAK – YOU KNOW WHO CARES? NOT F**KING YOU.

ROUTINE [Medium: Success] – Having finished the clean-up, you take a single cigarette out from the packet on your bedside table. You don't have the energy to go out to the balcony, so you open your tiny bedroom window and light up besides it. A cool numbness spreads throughout your body after you take a drag, helping you focus your mind.

FLOW - You observe the garden below: the body is no longer there, yet it is all you can think about, your mind analysing every object for how it relates to the crime.

MOURNING – Solving the investigation is more important than dealing with your personal hang-ups. Just focus on the case, your desires don’t matter.

You don’t matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today in allusions to Greek mythology we have the kidnapping of Persephone.
> 
> Next chapter will be picking up from the end of the game, so we can have some Jean and Judith appreciation scenes!


	3. YOU ARE STARTING TO FEEL LIKE...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter tags: blood, explicit sexual content, wax-play, sad times. 
> 
> While this chapter contains Jean + Judit, it doesn't have the planned Jean + Judit appreciation scenes; they'll be in the next chapter, this one is long enough already.
> 
> Old readers: I changed some of Kim and Jean's skills.

You, Harrier Du Bois, are starting to feel like you might actually be an amazing cop. Not only have you discovered the culprit in THE HANGED MAN investigation, but you’ve also discovered a phasmid species. Somehow you seem to have overcome every wave that threatened to capsize the investigation and your fragile mental state. But on the shores of Revachol a final hurdle awaits you…

???: “Look what the tide brought in.”

PERCEPTION [Medium: Partial Success] – The man addressing you doesn’t appear to be well, his eyes bloodshot and hair dishevelled. Is he sick?

???: “Harry… you’re bleeding all over the place. You’re half dead.”

PERCEPTION [Challenging: Success] – You’ve heard that voice before…

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Failure] – This is the Man with Sunglasses, except sans sunglasses.

COMPOSURE [Challenging: Success] – You remain collected despite the explosive ending of your last encounter with this man. You’ve survived a firefight and handled a corpse, some guy insulting you is nothing by comparison.

“Wait… you’re the Man with Sunglasses.”

???: “That’s right – and you’re bleeding.”

ENDURANCE – A little blood never hurt anyone!

PAIN THRESHOLD [Formidable: Failure] – It’s a lot of blood, and it most certainly _is_ hurting you. With every step you take a burning sensation flows through your leg, as if your blood were the river Phlegethon itself.

VOLITION – You are only standing through sheer force of will.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And sweet sweet drugs! 

ESPRIT DE CORPS – And you will keep standing. You’re just about to wrap up THE HANGED MAN CASE, you can’t sit down now.

EMPATHY – Kim has let you keep walking around, so it can’t be _that_ bad.

“No-one else seems bothered by the bleeding.”

???: “Bothered by it?! Harry, you look like you need a fucking organ transplant! Anyone who isn’t bothered by it is as insane as you are!”

DRAMA – He just implied Kim is insane! Who does this guy think he is?

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – He’s someone who cares about you enough to consider your health when you refuse to. Even if he has an unconventional way of expressing it, he’s looking out for you.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Failure] – At this point you’re certain you’re meant to know this man, yet any memory of him refuses to surface.

“Who are you people?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “I’m your goddamn _partner_ Jean Vicquemare, and this is your special task force… or what’s left of it.”

REACTION SPEED [Challenging – Success] – His voice falters on the word partner.

EMPATHY [Legendary – Partial Success] – His heart sinks as he accepts that you really don’t remember a thing about him. You were obviously close, perhaps having worked together for many years.

JUDIT MINOT: “Hello again Harry. I’m Sergeant Judit Minot, I’ve been a member of your task force for a few years now.”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Hello, I’m Trant Heidelstam. I’m not really part of the task force, I’m just a consultant.”

DRAMA [Easy: Success] – They’re all telling the truth. This _is_ your task force, whether you remember them or not, sire.

KIM: “Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi, Precinct 57. We’ve just come from the island, where our investigation led us.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Your investigation shouldn’t have led Harry anywhere! Why the fuck didn’t you investigate it by yourself rather than dragging Harry bleeding along behind you?”

VOLITION – Kim didn’t really have a say in the matter. You were going to finish the investigation, whether it cost you an arm and a leg – well, just a leg.

JUDIT MINOT: “It’s good to meet you, Lieutenant Kitsuragi. Please forgive Lieutenant Vicquemare’s outburst, he’s currently distressed about Harry’s condition.”

KIM: “Of course Sergeant, I understand. Why don’t we take Harry over to a bench before we discuss things further?”

VOLITION [Heroic: Failure] – You’re in too much pain to put up a fight. With Jean and Kim’s support you’re guided over to a bench. There Judit starts tending to your wound, replacing the current blood-soaked bandage with a fresh covering.

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – The nauseating scent of dried blood permeates the air surrounding your wound, yet Judit’s face doesn’t show it. Either this woman’s composure is legendary, or she seriously cares about you. Or both.

JUDIT MINOT: “Harry, we’re here because we want to help you. Trant, I believe this is where you come in?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Uhm… I don’t _quite_ know what I’m doing here...”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Just do what we asked you to, damnit!”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I need to manage your expectations a little though. You asked me to participate as an expert, but at best I’m an enthusiast in cognitive science. I’m not able to make an official diagnosis.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “For fucks sake, can nobody here do their job properly?!”

JUDIT MINOT: “Come on Vic, you know Trant was the only person we could get to come out here on such short notice. He’s doing us a favour by doing this on-site.”

“So uh… what exactly _is_ he doing?”

JUDIT MINOT: “Trant’s going to help us verify that you have amnesia, and tell us the extent of the…”

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – She doesn’t want to say damage.

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “He’s going to tell us how fucked in the head you are.”

EMPATHY – Clearly some people don’t hold the same reservations.

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] – Judit lightly elbows Jean. Judit’s trying to be subtle about reigning Jean in, but he’s not making this easy for her.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Failure] – For all you know this is a typical dynamic in the RCM.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Well… Harry doesn’t have visible tremors. He talks without slurring. He can drive a boat. He’s standing, reasoning. All good signs. But complete retrograde amnesia, episodic _and_ semantic, as displayed in the station call and our interactions with him. It’s all very interesting,”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Interesting? That is not the word I would use.”

SUGGESTION – ‘Terrifying’, ‘daunting’, and ‘agonizing’ are all words you might use. You might not able to work for the RCM anymore if they deem your head trauma too serious.

LOGIC – Oh, and there could be consequences for your personal life and health. But _obviously_ that’s less important.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Right, of course not, this is a terrible situation. I have my theories about what’s going on, but I would like to hear Harry’s thoughts first. Harry, what do you think happened to you? Neurologically? Psychologically? And why not socioeconomically?”

RHETORIC – What _do_ you think happened to you?

DRAMA [Easy: Success] – Pretending you made it all up is not an option, sire. You’re guaranteed to lose your job if you convince them, and will lose any remaining sympathy if you don’t

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] – Part of you wants to mention your theory about the pale, about how it possibly affected you. You get the feeling Jean isn’t a fan of pale conspiracy theories though.

SUGGESTION [Challenging: Partial Success] – Why don’t you just give the obvious answer? You were depressed so you got yourself totally mortal.

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Failure] – You should probably be careful about how you phrase that…

“Something so sad happened to me that I couldn’t be me anymore. I drank to the point I lost my memory as defence mechanism.”

REACTION SPEED [Challenging: Success] – Jean instantly turns away, but not before you catch his face crumpling up like the car you totalled. You don’t understand why that upset him, but you feel like you just a shot a puppy.

ENCYLOPEDIA – You have actually killed a dog, so that’s not the best choice of metaphor.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – You are starting to feel like you might actually be a terrible cop.

INLAND EMPIRE – You don’t even know the half of it yet.

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] – Let’s at least attempt to recover this.

“But I’m slowly recovering my memory.”

KIM: “He is, he’s getting better. And I can confirm he drank a _lot_ of alcohol prior to it happening.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “I believe he _drank_ , what I am struggling to believe is he drunk himself into losing his memory. People don’t forget their whole life because of drinking!”

PERCEPTION [Challenging: Failure] – It _appears_ as though Jean has recovered his composure.

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – Nobody recovers that quickly though; Jean just wants to pretend he’s not hurt. The least you could do is give him the courtesy of pretending you didn’t see anything.

JUDIT MINOT: “But Vic, he _has_ blanked out before.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “The last time that happened was over a year ago! He was getting better…”

AUTHORITY – Hear that? You were getting better! Not a totally hopeless alcoholic!

LOGIC – Not exactly something you can take pride in anymore though, is it?

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Int-“

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Success] – Trant was about to say “interesting”, but a dirty look from Jean stops him in his tracks.

TRANT HEIDERLSTAM: “Ahem. So we know Harry has experienced something like this in the past. Dipped his toes into it. Prepared. That’s where he would have gotten the idea to use alcohol to ‘get there’, so to speak…”

JUDIT MINOT: “What do you mean?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Well, here’s my theory: what if this is an absolutely normal reaction to the world we’re living in? What if this is _not_ a significant anomaly at all, something to be explained, approached as a defect. Look at the sensory input here…”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “You seriously want me to enjoy the damned scenery right now?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I want you to acknowledge it, how much of it there is. As a police detective Harry is like magnetic reader on the world-tape, to borrow a known metaphor. He’s been pushed _flat against it_. Total input. He just needed for it to end.”

ENCYLOPEDIA – Not a single mention of pale in his theory. Hm.

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Okay, Trant, thank-you. That’s absolutely meaningless. I’m glad we brought you.”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I did warn you I’m not an expert…”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Will he or will he not be able to work in the Major Crimes Unit? Is he able look after himself? Can you just tell me that in simple terms?”

SHIVERS – The sea stills with your breath.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “He _is_ able to function independently and work – if not in a leadership role, then as a line detective.”

SHIVERS [Medium: Success] – Your tension washes away with the ebbing tide; in the sand remains grains of hope.

INLAND EMPIRE – It’s not just your hope; your task force been given hope that they haven’t lost their friend. Don’t piss on their hope _again_ , Harry.

“That’s good, isn’t it? So what now?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “We just stand here.”

“Really?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “No shitkid, we’re taking you to a fucking hospital. The only reason we haven’t already is because we didn’t know where to take you.”

RHETORIC [Challenging: Success] – What he means is they were deciding if you needed a “fucked in the head” expert. Thankfully you’ve convinced them a regular hospital will do for now, which should reduce your recovery time.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – That’s one less obstacle between you and detecting.

JUDIT MINOT: “We still need to interview you to make sure you can keep your job, but that can wait. It’s mainly to decide what position you’ll have in the future anyway; Jean’s too soft to kick you off the task force entirely.”

PERCEPTION – Jean pouts, drawing your attention to his lips.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – You-

ESPRIT DE CORPS – Get to keep working as a detective! You might be a terrible detective, but at least you are one.

SUGGESTION – While other matters surely pale in comparison, it would be nice to get some clarity on who you are from someone who knew you prior to your memory loss.

“Wait. I have a few questions before we go. About who I am.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “No, questions can wait until _after_ we get you to a hospital.”

LOGIC – Going to the hospital will mark the end of your investigation. You will leave Martinaise behind you – and Kim.

“Just one question then? For Kim?”

JUDIT MINOT: “Of course, you probably want to say farewell to him.”

EMPATHY – You don’t. Amongst the stormy chaos of the week Kim has been an anchor, the only thing keeping you motivated and grounded in reality.

HALF LIGHT – No, you can’t do this, if you say goodbye now you’ll break, you’ll-

SUGGESTION [Easy: Success] – So don’t say goodbye.

“Lieutenant Kitsuragi, what will you do now?”

KIM: “Well, first I will go back to my station and-”

“So you’re going back to precinct 57?”

KIM: “Where else would I go?”

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] – It’s now or never.

LOGIC [Medium: Failure] – Yes, because it would be absolutely impossible for you to contact him again after this.

“Well… you could join us at Station 41?”

KIM: “I’m flattered, but I don’t know if I could…”

RHETORIC [Legendary: Failure] – You suddenly realise that you know nothing about your precinct or unit, so you have no idea how to persuade him to join your unit. Thankfully someone else has your back.

JUDIT MINOT: “You’re Lieutenant Kitsuragi, an icon of professionalism. _We_ would be flattered if you even considered joining us, especially after everything that happened.”

KIM: “I would have to tie things up in GRIH first. But… it would be more central…”

JUDIT MINOT: “And we also have a huge case load, lieutenant. Piles that we need to get back to. Mountains, even.”

KIM: “I do like the sound of that… I’ll think about it.”

DRAMA [Formidable: Success] – Kim’s not just thinking about it, he’s already made his mind up: Kim _is_ joining your unit. Oh blessed be your knight in shining armour for rescuing your fair Kim from the clutches of precinct 57!

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic: Success] – A familiar warmth washes over you as a memory emerges: Judit is shooting you finger guns after she helped you convince a superior that the coffee stain on your shirt was all part of an elaborate plan to make suspects underestimate you. This isn’t the first time Judit has covered for you, and it won’t be the last. She is one of the only people – perhaps _the_ only person – you did not fuck things up with. _Treasure her_.

ESPRIT DE CORPS – You are starting to feel like you might actually be a decent cop. Your unit and Kim still have faith in you at least.

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Right, that’s everything then. Let’s go.”

Safe in the knowledge that Kim planning on joining your precinct, you readily follow Jean and Trant to their motor carriage. Judit stays behind to help Kim recover the perpetrator, promising to catch up later. You turn to Kim one last time.

SHIVERS [Medium: Success] – The first amber light of the sunset flickers from behind him, giving him an ethereal appearance. It fills you with a sense of peace.

“I’ll see you soon then, Kim.”

“See you, Harry.”

~

You, Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi, are starting to feel like you don’t know what matters. Your discovery of the hole in the world and the Insulindian phasmid has triggered a paradigm shift in how you view reality. Your whole life you have attempted to understand, label, and list; now you realise this world, Elysium, is beyond your comprehension. Not only can you not understand Elysium, but you can barely influence it either. If attempts to comprehend and control are so futile, then is there a point in pursuing such perfectionism? It is an exciting prospect to consider, one you will ironically overthink. You ride back to the Revachol mainland in silence, too engrossed in your thoughts to make small-talk with Lieutenant Du Bois; as you step on shore your thoughts are interrupted though.

LIEUTENANT VICQUEMARE “Look what the tide brought in.”

BINOCLARD [Medium: Success] – With the dishevelled hair, bloodshot eyes, and stench of stale booze that even the wind cannot hide, it is obvious that Lieutenant Vicquemare is hungover. He’s not even trying to hide it, which you consider deeply unprofessional.

LIEUTENANT VICQUMARE: “Harry… you’re bleeding all over the place. You’re half dead.”

WIT – Harry’s bleeding? You and Harry hadn’t noticed.

HARRY DU BOIS: “Wait… you’re the Man with Sunglasses.”

LIEUTENANT VICQUEMARE: “That’s right – and you’re bleeding.”

WIT – Thank-you for the reminder, you had forgotten Harry was bleeding in the 5 seconds since he last pointed that out.

SYMPATHY – He’s shocked from seeing his partner’s wounds, give the Lieutenant a break.

“No-one else seems bothered by the bleeding.”

LIEUTENANT VICQUEMARE: “Bothered by it?! Harry, you look like you need a fucking organ transplant! Anyone who isn’t bothered by it is as insane as you are!”

PATIENCE [Medium: Success] – You don’t react, ignoring the possible implication that you’re insane. Lieutenant Vicquemare is understandably in shock right now, he’s not thinking that carefully about what he’s saying.

HARRY DU BOIS: “Who are you people?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “I’m your goddamn _partner_ Jean Vicquemare, and this is your special task force… or what’s left of it.”

CADENCE [Challenging: Success] – He falters on the word partner. Does he not consider Harry his partner anymore?

JUDIT MINOT: “Hello again Harry. I’m Sergeant Judit Minot, I’ve been a member of your task force for a few years now.”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Hello, I’m Trant Heidelstam. I’m not really part of the task force, I’m just a consultant.”

PROFESSIONALISM [Trivial: Success] – It’s polite to introduce yourself too, even though everyone here already knows who you are.

“Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi, Precinct 57. We’ve just come from the island, where our investigation led us.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Your investigation shouldn’t have led Harry anywhere! Why the fuck didn’t you investigate it by yourself rather than dragging Harry bleeding along behind you?”

SUPERBIA [Challenging: Success] – You don’t need to get defensive, you have your reasons.

LOGISTICS – Do you? Would it have been better to investigate the island alone?

LAW – Investigating an area with a suspected violent criminal goes against protocol.

SYMPATHY – And Harry would hardly have appreciated being left out. You’re a detective too, you understand a little pain is a small price to pay for the satisfaction of completing an investigation.

JUDIT MINOT: “It’s good to meet you, Lieutenant Kitsuragi. Please forgive Lieutenant Vicquemare’s outburst, he’s currently distressed about Harry’s condition.”

RAPPORT – Bless Lieutenant Minot for giving you an easy way to continue the conversation professionally.

“Of course Sergeant, I understand. Why don’t we take Harry over to a bench before we discuss things further?”

AGILITY [Medium: Success] – With Lieutenant Vicquemare’s help – which you didn’t need, but he insisted – you support Harry over to a nearby bench.

SPEED FREAK – DAMN, GETTING A CLOSER LOOK VICCY IS LOWKEY HOT.

RANK – No. You’re not going there.

JUDIT MINOT: “Harry, we’re here because we want to help you. Trant, I believe this is where you come in?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Uhm… I don’t quite know what I’m doing here...”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Just do what we asked you to, damnit!”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I need to manage your expectations a little though. You asked me to participate as an expert, but at best I’m an enthusiast in cognitive science. I’m not able to make an official diagnosis.”

LAW [Medium: Success] – You’re aware this is an important distinction for Consultant Heidelstam to make. He could get in serious trouble for diagnosing someone without a relevant medical licence.

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “For fucks sake, can nobody here do their job properly?!”

WIT – That’s rich coming from the man with a hangover.

JUDIT MINOT: “Come on Vic, you know Trant was the only person we could get to come out here on such short notice. He’s doing us a favour by doing this on-site.”

HARRY DU BOIS: “So uh… what exactly is he doing?”

JUDIT MINOT: “Trant’s going to help us verify that you have amnesia, and tell us the extent of the…”

SYMPATHY [Easy: Success] – -damage, is how the sentence was going to end, but she had enough grace not to say it.

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “He’s going to tell us how fucked in the head you are.”

SYMPATHY – …Lieutenant Vicquemare is not one for such grace.

BINOCLARD [Medium: Success] – You catch Sergeant Minot giving Lieutenant Vicquemare a well-deserved elbow.

PROFESSIONALISM [Trivial: Success] – Other Lieutenants would’ve reprimanded their subordinates for the sorts of objections Sergeant Minot has made by now, but you can sense Minot has some sway over Vicquemare. While you don’t typically endorse this sort of behaviour, you’re glad she’s getting away with it.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Well… Harry doesn’t have visible tremors. He talks without slurring. He can drive a boat. He’s standing, reasoning. All good signs. But complete retrograde amnesia, episodic and semantic, as displayed in the station call and our interactions with him. It’s all very interesting,”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Interesting? That is not the word I would use.”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Right, of course not, this is a terrible situation. I have my theories about what’s going on, but I would like to hear Harry’s thoughts first. Harry, what do you think happened to you? Neurologically? Psychologically? And why not socioeconomically?”

LORE – You listen in carefully. You’re aware of Harry’s theory that the pale affected him, but you’re curious about whether he genuinely thinks that’s the primary cause.

“Something so sad happened to me that I couldn’t be me anymore. I drank to the point I lost my memory as defence mechanism.”

BINOCLARD [Medium: Success] – As Lieutenant Vicquemare quickly turns away you catch a glimpse of his face. His expression is familiar…

MOURNING – It’s guilt. You’re familiar enough with self-reproach to recognise it another. Whatever happened to Harry, Lieutenant Vicquemare seems to think he was partially responsible for it.

REASON – From what you’ve seen of Lieutenant Vicquemare so far, it’s not hard to believe.

HARRY DU BOIS: “But I’m slowly recovering my memory.”

IMPROVISATION [Formidable: Success] – You can’t deny that Harry lost his memory, but you can at least emphasise his recovery. If there’s any hope for Harry keeping his job it’s in his performance during THE HANGED MAN investigation.

“He is, he’s getting better. Not only that, but he made critical contributions to the investigation. I can confirm Lieutenant Du Bois drank a lot – _a lot_ – of alcohol prior to his amnesia, but he hasn’t drunk any since.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “I believe he _drank_ , what I am struggling to believe is he drunk himself into losing his memory. People don’t forget their whole life because of drinking!”

JUDIT MINOT: “But Vic, he has blanked out before.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “The last time that happened was over a year ago! He was getting better…”

LORE – Oh? That’s interesting…

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Int-“

CADENCE [Formidable: Success] – Trant was about to say “interesting”, but a dirty look from Jean stops him in his tracks. He’s right though, it _is_ interesting – especially the part about Harry recovering.

PATIENCE – Harry being a recovering alcoholic doesn’t make it appropriate to make a move on him. Regardless of progress, Harry is not in a stable mental state right now.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Ahem. So we know Harry has experienced something like this in the past. Dipped his toes into it. Prepared. That’s where he would have gotten the idea to use alcohol to ‘get there’, so to speak…”

JUDIT MINOT: “What do you mean?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “Well, here’s my theory: what if this is an absolutely normal reaction to the world we’re living in? What if this is not a significant anomaly at all, something to be explained, approached as a defect. Look at the sensory input here…”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “You seriously want me to enjoy the damned scenery right now?”

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I want you to acknowledge it, how much of it there is. As a police detective Harry is like magnetic reader on the world-tape, to borrow a known metaphor. He’s been pushed flat against it. Total input. He just needed for it to end.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Okay, Trant, thank-you. That’s absolutely meaningless. I’m glad we brought you.”

LAW [Medium: Success] – You wouldn’t phrase it as such, but that was pretty meaningless. At least Harry’s pale theory had substance.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “I did warn you I’m not an expert…”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Will he or won’t he be able to work in the Major Crimes Unit? Is he able look after himself? Can you just tell me that in simple terms?”

FLOW – Your straightens like a mast, anticipation coiled up in your body.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM: “He is able to function independently and work – if not in a leadership role, then as a line detective.”

FLOW [Medium: Success] – Your worst fears drift away with the wind, tension evaporating from your body.

PATIENCE – This still doesn’t make it appropriate to make a move on Harry.

RAPPORT – Yet.

HARRY DU BOIS: “That’s good, isn’t it? So what now?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “We just stand here.”

HARRY DU BOIS: “Really?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “No shitkid, we’re taking you to a fucking hospital. The only reason we haven’t already is because we didn’t know where to take you.”

WIT [Challenging: Success] – Meaning they were considering whether or not he needed to go somewhere with a head trauma specialist.

JUDIT MINOT: “We still need to interview you to make sure you can keep your job, but that can wait. It’s mainly to decide what position you’ll have in the future anyway; Jean’s too soft to kick you off the task force entirely.”

SYMPATHY – Soft? You wouldn’t have pinned Lieutenant Vicquemare as the soft type.

SPEED FREAK – HE SEEMS MORE LIKE THE WILD PUSH YOU UP AGAINST THE WALL TYPE.

SUPERBIA – Which you definitely do not want him to do to you under any circumstances.

HARRY DU BOIS: “Wait. I have a few questions before we go. About who I am.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “No, questions can wait until after we get you to a hospital.”

HARRY DU BOIS: “Just one question then? For Kim?”

RAPPORT – Oh? Harry’s thinking about you.

JUDIT MINOT: “Of course, you probably want to say farewell to him.”

PROFESSIONALISM – But now the investigation is over your immature crush must also come to an end.

HARRY DU BOIS “Lieutenant Kitsuragi, what will you do now?”

“Well, first I will go back to my station and-”

HARRY DU BOIS: “So you’re going back to precinct 57?”

“Where else would I go?”

HARRY DU BOIS: “Well… you could join us at Station 41?”

PROFESSIONALISM – Khm.

LAW – You are allowed to transfer, and it would easily get approved with your record.

SUPERBIA – You cannot move precincts just because you have a crush.

“I’m flattered, but I don’t know if I could…”

JUDIT MINOT: “You’re Lieutenant Kitsuragi, an icon of professionalism. _We_ would be flattered if you even considered joining us, especially after everything that happened.”

PROFESSIONALISM – She admires your police work. Imagine working with someone who actually appreciated your dedication to your craft.

SUPERBIA – Careful, don’t give in to her siren songs.

KIM: “I would have to tie things up in GRIH first. But… it would be more central…”

JUDIT MINOT: “And we also have a huge case load, lieutenant. Piles that we need to get back to. Mountains, even.”

PROFESSIONALISM – Think of all the good work you could do, think of the career opportunities from demonstrating you can deal with such a large case load. You… you should move precinct 41.

SUPERBIA – ET TU, BRUTE?

KIM: “I do like the sound of that… I’ll think about it.”

REASON – You can think about it all you like, but you know you have already made the decision to move.

SUPERBIA – Even if it means working with Lieutenant Vicquemare?

SYMPATHY– Lieutenant Vicquemare must have some redeeming qualities if he’s Harry’s friend.

SPEED FREAK – LIKE HIS ASS.

SYMPATHY – I was going to suggest loyalty to his unit.

SUPERBIA – Please just think this through some more.

MYTH – In the grand scheme of Elysium our decisions don’t matter. Is it truly necessary to agonise over every minute detail relevant to a decision until all possible joy has been sucked from it?

JEAN VICQUEMARE: “Right, that’s everything then. Let’s go.”

You walk to the motor carriage with the others to see Harry off, although you will be staying behind with Sergeant Minot to recover the perpetrator.

FLOW [Challenging: Success] – The sun warms your back, casting shadows before you. The future is unknown, but for once you’re not too concerned about that.

“I’ll see you soon then, Kim.”

“See you, Harry.”

 _Harry_. Not lieutenant, but Harry. The world will not end if you dare to call your friend by his first name. You are starting to feel like you don’t matter – but maybe you can find liberation in that.

~

_Sleep pulls you back into dreams of your beloved. Once you took a sick pleasure in these dreams which allowed you to taste what you could never have in real life; the taste has since turned to ash, your dreams now only tormenting you for your loss. Except loss isn’t the right word – it implies a wrongful state of being, when your separation is actually a return to the natural order of things. You knew you shouldn’t fly too close to the sun… but fuck it’s hard when the sun beckons you into their bed._

_Your lips press desperately against his, as if you knew this would be the last time – you didn’t, you were just always this desperate. Stumbling, you push him to be seated on the bed, chasing after him by climbing into his lap. You’re gripping his mane, pulling him impossibly deeper into the kiss, letting your need flow into him. With your other hand you start unbuttoning his shirt, and only a few seconds pass before you rip it apart in frustration; it was an ugly shirt anyway, the only good thing about it was how much of his chest it revealed. A hand grasps at his magnificent chest, appreciating the muscles which still linger from his younger days and the jungle of fur decorating them. You still want more, you can never have enough of him, your hips jerking against him. Then suddenly you’re flying: he’s picked you up, turning to effortlessly set you down on the bed. You move to get close to him again, but he pushes you back; even though he’s being gentle, you can sense he’s stronger than you, the fit bastard._

_“I love your enthusiasm, but if you want to me to use the candle you have to at least **try** to keep your hands off me for a minute.”_

_A soy-candle flickers from the bedside table where it’s been burning for the past half hour, forgotten in your impatience. You pout in feign petulance at having to separate from him – if only you’d known – but slip your shirt off as your partner sets out a spare sheet on the bed ready to catch stray wax splatters. You roll onto your front, putting a cushion under your midriff for comfort; you’ve been excited for this, and well… you’re excited. A chill runs down your spine as you watch your partner blow out the candle and tentatively test it on his hand._

_“You remember-“_

_“Yes, just get started already.”_

_He laughs, a warming sound that will be twisted into a torture tool in time._

_“You know I have to make sure, grumpy-butt.”_

_You roll your eyes, but of course you secretly appreciate his tenderness. His unabashed and constant demonstration of affection for those around him was one of the things that made you fall for him – it was one of the things that made you **fall**. He caresses your shoulder, grounding you, then the first bead of wax falls; a shock of pain ripples through the landing site, drawing a gasp from your pretty lips, then it subsides as soon as it came. This is why you’re so fond of wax-play: you’re not one for lingering pain, you only care for the moment. And oh do the moments come, each drip sending a fresh rush of adrenaline coursing through you, releasing moan after moan. If you focus you can feel the wax flow out from where it hits, drawing you deeper into the intoxicating experience. _

_“How is it? Not too much?”_

_“Fuck… g-good… green...”_

_You barely get the words out – entering subspace is the one of the only times your sharp tongue is stilled, your voice possessed by cries of rapture._

_“Are you okay for more?”_

_“Mhmm… green…”_

_A kiss graces the small of your back, reminding you of his ~~love~~ – you’re projecting there, it’s reminding you of his presence. One drop lands where he kissed you, then another in the exact same spot, and another; the pain doesn’t recede like it does for a single drop, it builds and builds, capturing you in a glissato of excruciating bliss. Even after the final trickle of wax has dried on your skin your exhilaration doesn’t lull. You’re floating, your only coherent thought being that you need him._

_“Do you want to clean up bef-“_

_You twist to meet his lips, pulling him down onto the bed with you. You know he doesn’t care about making a mess, he’s happy to indulge you. You’re biting his lips, engrossed in his touch, then any remaining clothes seem to have vanished – why does time warp like that for joyous events but not tragic ones? It doesn’t matter to you because you’re busy pressing up against his body, your cock brushing against his. He’s on top of you, his eyes glinting with arousal as he leans in to kiss your neck. You whine, and as if by command he lowers his graciously large hand to rub you both. You grasp at his back as he tugs up and down, his hand dragging ecstasy along your length. The tickle of his lips, his warmth against yours, the firm pressure of his hand, you feel it all at once; your cock is pulsing with heat, euphoria surging through you as you spill over him. Not long after he follows, his hot release mingling with yours on your chest. For a blessed moment you are at peace, it is just you and him._

_The peace never lasts though. Wax peels from your back, peeling skin away with it, rivers of blood flowing down your back. **He** is peeled away from you too, the only proof he was ever there a lingering burn where he touched you; you needn’t worry about losing that proof though, you’re branded for life now, left to agonise over it as you fall. How you fall, tumbling endlessly through the pale, your only escape to be your eventual death._

_~_

You are pulled from the depths of your slumber by a hand shaking your shoulder – it’s a small hand, one you recognise as Judit’s.

JUDIT: “Vic? Wake up Vic, it’s time to leave.”

CALLER [Legendary: Success] – An outsider would believe that Judit only cares about getting you to leave before visiting hours are over, but you know her well enough to not be misguided her legendary composure. Judit woke you because you were tossing in your sleep again, possibly sleep-talking too.

CURSE – You don’t need her fucking concern. Miserable as that shitshow was, you have to sleep, otherwise you’ll be even more miserable tomorrow.

OATH – You were drunkenly weeping on her shoulder a couple of nights ago, you absolutely need her concern. Anyway, you can’t sleep at the hospital – seems like visiting hours are over.

TENACITY [Formidable: Success] – You haul yourself out of the chair you’d fallen asleep in, careful not to make too much noise; Harry’s snoring away in a hospital bed a few feet away.

“Alright, I’m going.”

Judit walks with you to the door – there she pauses, blocking your escape.

JUDIT: “I finished clearing up Harry’s apartment.”

“Including…?”

EDGE [Medium: Success] – Judit simply nods, too tired to comment on your decision. She’s not crying herself to sleep like you are, but she’s still affected by Harry’s amnesia.

EXPERIENCE – Her hand holds out the spare key to Harry’s apartment. _Your_ spare key.

DEPRESSION [Legendary: Failure] – You can’t motivate yourself to pick it up. You don’t deserve it.

“You hang on to it. Who knows what dumbass decision I’ll make if I have it.”

TRIGGER [Medium: Success] – She wavers for a moment, before pocketing it.

JUDIT: “I’m sure he’ll end up giving you another one anyway.”

IRA – You’re not. You’re not sure of much at the moment, and you hate it, you hate being stuck unable to act. It feels like you’re in free fall…

LIBERA ME – And you are starting to feel like you don’t have anyone to catch you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The main Greek myth alluded to today was the fall of Icarus. That was actually what inspired me to include the wax-play. Fun fact: I (carefully) poured wax on myself to help me describe the wax-play scene.
> 
> EDIT: I guess if you want to to know how things were going to go you can message me, but I'm not writing this anymore.


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